Sunday, April 15, 2012

April Showers

Well there haven't really been any April's been very un-rainy, which is just fine with me...but that's really not really how the saying goes now is it? (Caution: wordy post to follow).

Unfortunately, there haven't really been any April posts either. Zero to be exact. How did that happen? Well I went to Chicago, and then it was Mari's birthday, and then it was my birthday, and it was Easter, and I had a huge presentation I was working on for work...and now we're here.

Here is a very interesting place for me right now. Over the last year, I've definitely lost a lot of focus in my food and fitness life. I know I've discussed it before, so it's probably like a broken record from me, but the truth is, shit got hard. Once you start to slip up and lose the drive and dedication you once had, it's SO hard to get it back. I've basically taken an entire year off from weight loss and general healthiness, and it's gotten me a whole lot of no where. I'm not happy with my fitness level, my habits, or my body.

But sometimes we have to fall off to be able to pick ourselves back up again, and see where we need to be stronger. These girls admit their struggles all the time, and I admire them for it. I am channeling them as inspiration to get it back together and focus.

As I said, this is obviously not the first time I've mentioned a need to refocus. My motivation waivers and I get comfortable where I am. But now, I am not comfortable. I ran 6 miles without stopping last weekend. It's a first for me. I've never done more than a 5k without stopping. This was double that. So I should be extremely proud. But I am not. Because I realized that even though that run was good (albeit slow), I am by no means taking care of myself. And that run could have been better. And I want to feel 100% proud of myself, not just of one run.

The pace of my runs has slowed, my clothes are a little tighter, and my muscle definition is gone. This is NOT how I pictured myself to be as I turn 27.

So I'm doing something about it. I've enlisted the hubs for help (I'm around him the most, so he's a good place to start) and I've taken a vow of willpower. I have done this before, I most definitely know I can do it again. The half marathon is 6 weeks from today. I am feeling so scared and almost wish I hasn't signed up for it. But I don't want to feel that way. I want to get to the starting line on race day and feel excited and ready.

The next 6 weeks are going to be rough, I know that. And I know it's going to take far more than 6 weeks to get me where I want to be. BUT. I have to start somewhere. And I need to have a short term goal to kick start the process.

So I admitted my problems. Step one. Step two, create a plan of action. Check. Step three, find a way to hold yourself to that plan and be accountable. I have most definitely lost all accountability in this process, so here is where I know I'll struggle most. I'm hoping this blog can help me in that process...I plan on doing weekly check-ins after my long runs, and post my daily eat during the week. I don't intend for this to become a food journal, but for 6 weeks, it's going to have to be.

I hope I've not gotten myself too far off course, and that a kick in the pants is all I need. I've thought I could get it back on track several times in the last year, and obviously I haven't, but I do feel as though I've found a new rock bottom, and I'd like to get out of here, as soon as possible.

Wish me luck.

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